iM jUsT mE & tHaTs ReaL ..*

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 01:51:09 GMT

Promise me that's all I want. Just a promise that you will never forget me. Tell me I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you will always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to live knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you...

So. things are okay right now. ive been having my ups & downs. but i love the fact that i've decided to post an entry every now & then.. just for my own purposes.. just to get my feelings out. cuz sometimes i just need to vent & have noone to turn too. ever. oh well.

me and danny got into a fight this morning. i hate arguing with him. it's not worth it. he's not my boyfriend anymore; i dont need to deal with the stress he gives me. its crazy. he was looking @ my myspace & didnt like something i had on there.. are you fucking joking me?! oh well. i was just like whatever. i dont need your shit. we've been broken up 2 months or soo & you wanna call me early as fuck to yell @ me bout my myspace? your joking right!? haha. i was like whatever. so, we argued for a lil bit & then i went to work.. after being there for a lil while i was like umm -- are you done acting like a jerk or are we gonna continue this petty silence bullshit?@ so, he texted me back & was like call me -- so i did. he was like please when you get home check your myspace. so, i got home from work a lil bit ago.. & checked it. & he wrote me this sappy email telling me how much he loves me and blah blah blah.. whatever. i cant take how 1 minute he's an ass & the next he wants to be all like ooh baby i love you. FUCCK THAT!

i hate him sometimes. i really do. but at the same time i fucking love him & that shit pisses me off. Like why.. after everything do i still care?! obviously he doesnt.

tell me where you are tonight, and is everything alright? do you remember what i said, while she's sleeping in your bed? tell me now you smile hard, cuz i don't smile much so far. and is she everything you need; is she everything i couldn't be? does she make everything match better, bring you all the shiny weather that you want? and is she everything... everything i'm not?

In other news --> i think it's like 15 days until im back in PA visiting my friends & family. i cant wait! it's gonna be the best 10 days ever! haha. im super duper excited! AHH!

work sucks as usual.. not much going on there. anyways. im listening to music so im gonna go. just needed to vent a lil bit.. <3 you's!

ex boyfriends.. blah!

Sat, 26 May 2007 13:27:30 GMT

No matter what you do to me, I'm still here. For some odd reason, I stick around and put up with all your mood swings and unkind words. I just let your comments roll off me into a puddle on the floor. I make up excuses on why you didn't call, try to think of all the answers. I keep going back for more even though sometimes you push me away. I don't know if I can do better, but do I really want to? You're quick to push me down when all I want is to be brought up. When I walk out for good, when I really gain the strength I need then maybe you will see. Maybe you can look back and say, "Wow that girl really did love me."

So, im feeling a lil weird today. woke up. checked my myspace. & it pisses me off that i write emails to him -- he reads them & then doesn't write back. wtf! i talked to him for a lil bit yesterday -- not much. which is good.. i think im expecting to much.. maybe if i expect less from him like im used to -- i wont get so mad. he's the type of person i should expect only to hear from 1 or 2 times a week.. & damn it --> thats what im gonna do from now on.. fuccckk that shitt. his new gf is ugly. & he still hasnt learned anything. it's sad to see him throwing his life away bc he still hasn't grown up yet & he's gonna be 19. blah!

i'll be in PA very soon for a FEW days & i cant wait. i will need the vacation just to get away. & spend time with my friends & family. its been too long for some of them -- so, yes. we were talking yesterday -- me. rachel. gina. & jess & we're all just so excited to see each other.. i love it. i miss gina & jess. i hope the trip goes smoothly though -- no problems.

i feel like complete shit. i would rather call out of work today - these cramps & this flow is killin' me rite now! fuck.

im gonna go take a shower.

Fri, 25 May 2007 15:14:33 GMT

So... im feeling the need to just kind of be random and write.. i guess this is as good a place as any to do that... things just have been bothering me lately.. blah.

So, i feel like complete shit today. sometimes i hate being a girl.. haha! its that time of month & i have mad cramps.. like bad. it fucking sucks. & its heavy. & i just wish i was a boy. haha! its not fair tht girls have to deal with all this bullshit. But im glad it came cuz that means i wont have it on my trip.. YES!

Im going back to PA for a week... So Excited! my trip is in June .. cant wait! im flying up. & rachel is driving up the next day. & we'll be there a week.. im happy cuz i get to see a few of my good friends who i havent seen in a while -- its been 2 summers for jess.. i just saw gina when she came down here.. But for some of my other friends its been almost 3 years.. & my family.. ahh@ i can not wait.

everything else in my life seems to be falling apart though. i just dont even know what to do anymore. shit at home. my one sister just wants to pack up & move to canada.. what kind of shit is that?! im not happy anymore. i try.. but for some reason i cant be.

so... the ex bf and me are good.. we're on speaking terms now which is cool i guess. we're NOT gonna talk everyday. were NOT gonna act like bf/gf.. we're just gonna be cool and see where things go. But, i cant be in a relationship with him. or anybody rite now. im enjoying being single.. not that im doing anything slutty or nothing -- but just the freedom.. i can do what i want when i want.. its great. im too young to be tied down.

i thought i wanted to write more.. but i dont. blah.

Longg Time!

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:58:17 GMT

Hey everybody. it's been a long time since ive written but i felt the need to get alot of things off of my chest and where else better to than my journal? it's so weird to be doing this .. ive abandonded this -- i have a myspace now so, i spend all of my time on there now. If you guys want to you can add me; it's the same thing as my livejournal. myspace.com/babimegz. Anyways. Soo much has changed since ive last written i have no idea where to even start.

Well, its 2007 now. haha. Thats a first. I have a new job. Been there since August and im working as an office assistant in a grocery store called Sweetbay. It's okay ; it has its good and bad days.. Most of the time good days. But, when you work with ppl who are bitches and assholes theres bound to be a few bad days a week. Overall i like the job but alot of my favorite people are leaving soon; moving on and going to better things and honestly, i want the same for myself. I dont want to work at a grocery store anymore. i want a real job. So, im thinking bout school sometime next year maybe; or at least looking for something better. This job is good and everything; but i dont see myself going anywhere in the company & therefore i feel like i need to just find something i can strive to be better at. There's no point in even trying at this job.

So, you all remember the boyfriend right? Danny!? Well, we made it to a yr. and a half and then things just got bad. They were getting bad the past few months but it made me come to a breaking point and I ended things with him. So, im now single.. & plan on keeping in that way. The situation with him now is so crazy and ridiculous but i think ive finally moved on -- its been about a month or so now that we've broken up. & at first it was hard - i wanted to take him back. i wanted to just be with him. But after thinking about it; he was doing nothing but bringing me down. and the fights -- they just got ridiculous. I know every relationship has their problems but we were really bad. I just came to a point one morning when i couldnt take it anymore and ended things. i twas crazy. I loved this guy -- was i really just gonna throw everything away after a year and a half because we were having some bad times? Yeah.. i did. it was crazy at first. But, eventually he showed his true colors. & although he still calls me and we talk. & he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and whatever else -- he's moved on. He was staying with his friend in a town about 45 minutes away from here after the breakup -- he had nowhere else to go. & has a new gf. And whatever else.. So obviously he moved on. and now im kinda like -- you know what? Live your life. Your young. & so am i. & if we were meant to be together; then we will be. But for right now, im just gonna live my life the way i want to -- i dont need to be tied down. i miss him though and i love him still regardless of the bullshit we've been through. & he was my first like real relationship; & i wouldnt change a thing. i wouldnt. i still love him and always will hold a special place in my heart for him. But, i feel like hes just stringing me along -- if he really wanted to be with me he'd be home at his mom's and doing what he needed to do with his life. But, hes not. So, if he doesnt care then i cant anymore. Its the hardest thing ive done in a long time; WALKING AWAY FROM THE ONLY LOVE IVE EVER REALLY KNOWN.. Blah. Its crazy.. But enough about that -- cuz its making me upset and hurt to even think bout it..

Things are okay with the family.. As good as they get i guess. Im finally at a good place with most of my family and hopefully we keep it that way. Me and my little brother are even somewhat getting along. its crazy. he's gonna be 16 on saturday .. ahh! Its soo weird. Im going back to PA in June for a few days so i can see the rest of my family ; im so excited ! & i get to see my best friends. Speaking of which.. one of my best friends Jessica is pregnant and i couldnt be happier for her. Im super happy and cant wait to be an auntie again! HEHE. My 2 nephews are the cutest things in the world and they're my everything. i love where im at right now in this point of my life. im content.. Its nice.

Im having some health issues though im afraid. Not bad -- but, girl issues if you know what i mean. Its time to go see the "girl doctor" again. My period is so irregular and crazy.. so, i dunno. i took a pregnancy test and the results were negative so, i dont understand. But, i think i need to go see the gyno and see if he knows whats up. Maybe somethings wrong. I mean, i know my period has been irregular since day 1 -- the 1st time i ever got my period; but damn. its gotten worse so, im gonna call them today nd see if i can make an appointment. & maybe i should take another test to be sure. blah.

There really isnt much else going on right now. im just living life and trying to get it back together -- doing me. But, this felt really good. to vent and write out how i feel.. ut oh -- i might bring the livejournal back. Watch out!

Sorry for being such a stranger, im gonna try better. i promise.

Locked Journal <3

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 22:38:48 GMT